A NEW PAELLA PAN? OR GET RID OF THE CHEF!

My belief?  It's time for a new Paeller pan.
Or, if I were to be most honest, it's time for a new Paella chef.

I haven't made one greater or even great Paella since February.  I've been too embarrassed to write about it. And, yesterday, I was more embarrassed thinking that I must write about it. And now, I'm even more embarrassed-er that I am writing about it.  But in order to continue this post, I must convince myself that failing is part of the adventure.  If you're reading this, I was convinced.

Tomorrow?  I'll probably feel even more....

There is a possibility, though, while writing this post and with you reading this post, I will be double-jinxed. A Double-Jinx?  That's jinxing a jinx so as to unjinx the original jinx with the intent (the "universe's" intent) to return that original idea, thought, or action from the bad back to the good.  Double-Jinx...get it?  And when did I jinx this?  Sometime back in February. So I need that Double-Jinx.  It would be a good!  It would be best! These Paellas have been jinxed far too long!!!

I guess I must explain with what I owe you..... 5 months of Paella stories.  Not that they're too exciting.  Because they're not. So I'll make them short.

They are all different:  The ingredients.  The circumstances.  The company.

Let's begin with March:  Lazy Paella.

The Subjects:  My family. Minus one.  He was in college.

I leave the Paella to the very last day of March...March 31st...to even think about it.  And when I think about it, I open my big fat mouth...and send out a bellowing...

"Crap...Paella!"

So while still feeling faithful to my New Years Eve resolution along with disappointment encouragement from the family, on March 31st, I make my Paella.  And it is a....FAIL!

Back up.

I figure if anyone could forgive a bad Paella, my family could forgive a bad Paella.  That sets me off course right there....the figuring-I-am-going-to-make-a-bad-Paella part.  That right there is the jinx.  Or is it that I did a little too much bragging after the last Paella? Regardless, with little time before dinner and a lotta laziness in my bones, I look to the fridge to see what it can offer me.  I see sausage, vegetable broth and red bell peppers. Of course, I always have the usual Paella fixin's on hand.  Okay, I think, I can be forgiven for that.

What is even more challenging, though, is because of the lack of charcoal and a little bit of rain, I must substitute the BBQ with the stove...and with the smallest element on the stove at that.  Why?  Because it's the only one that works at this time. Cooking with a 14 inch pan in diameter on a 6 inch element in diameter results in a mushy in the center, al dente on the side Paella, all leading to a tragic end. The tragic end?  After the kids thank me for dinner and clear their plates, they say with brutal honesty, "Mommy, you can just throw the rest away."

April:  Lobster Paella.  I send out an e-mail to 18 of my girlfriends.

"The first 7 to RSVP "Yes" will get to attend my Paella tasting.  One Paella, Spanish wine and a Spanish Movie."

One RSVP's "Yes."  Yes...I get only one "Yes."

The Subject:  The Nurse.

I decide lobster.  All the more lobster for the two of us, I think.  First, where to get cheap inexpensive lobster? Costco? No lobster. Ralph's? No lobster. Gelson's?  Yes, Lobster!  Live lobsters for a bazillion gajillion dollars.  So 45 minutes and $60 later, I walk out of Gelson's with two whole, cooked and cracked, recently murdered lobsters.  As the cashier is checking me out, in my head I'm calculating just how much of my weekly grocery budget is being gobbled up by these lobsters...a little more than a third, I estimate.  Is this a mistake?  I wonder.

The Nurse rings the doorbell. I light up the grill and begin to cook the Paella.  For a little different flavor, I add a little wine.  I throw in some peppers, then add the lobster, with, of course, all the usual Paella fixin's, topped with a few asparagus.  We serve, sit down and start the Spanish move, "Lovers of the Arctic Circle," or for you Spaniards, "Los amantes del circulo polar."  Claro!  As good as the movie is, that movie does not distract us even one iota from the fact that the rice is mushy, the bottom is burned, and, well, we can't even taste the lobster.  The nurse is polite.  She "loves the movie."

May:  The Redo Paella

The Subjects:  The Bobsy Chefs, Their Husbands, The Husband, and A Daughter. 

I can't say this one sucks. I know what I am getting into.  I am up against The Bobsy Chefs.  So I figure I am able to "cheat a little" and "kinda" do a repeat of February.  Justification?  "To see if it would work again but on a charcoal BBQ."  You see, because of the discriminatory tastes of The Bobsy Chefs, I feel, to preserve what confidence I have left, I can't leave any room, if not necessary, for failure.  I know them all too well.  Their subtext for, "I'm sure it will be fine" is "It will never be as good as mine!"

I chop, roll and wrap at my house.  Oops...no, that would be sushi. Maybe next year.

I chop. I bring it over...I booze them up with multiple pours of the wine...and I start and finish the cooking of the Spicy Chick-Ozo Paella! Though a little more crusty on the bottom, it is delicious.  Just as was February's.  I don't know if it came from The Bobsy Chefs or their Wine, but this Paella gets raves. Immediately these raves boost my confidence a few notches up and I'm temporarily satisfied.  We proceed to eat, drink and dance our best 80's moves to MJ and The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.

June:  Seafood Paella

The Subjects:  Me and Her Highness
The Chef?  Not me.

Oliva, a Spanish Restaurant, located in the Lower Eastside in NYC is the place where Her Highness and Me order one Seafood Paella to share...discount courtesy of Groupon. I have written the recap in my post,  This Girl's New York City Adventure...and it Begins with a Restaurant...check it out.  Long story short, for those who have already read about it, it is delicious.  I didn't cook it.  By now I can safely say, "need I say more?"

July: "Asian" Paella

The Subjects:  The First-Born-Brother-In-Law-By-Marriage, The Girlfriend, San Francy (aka One Half of the Bobsy Chefs), TMar, The Husband, and Sailor McHipHop...along with my kids.

TFBBILBM, The Girlfriend, and Sailor McHipHop

(disguised to protect the innocent)

I don't know what inspired me to cook an Asian Paella. I believe it was my craving for ginger accompanied by a hankering to impress.  After all, The First-Born-Brother-In-Law-By-Marriage and The Girlfriend were both in town from Seattle.  And they are both faithful readers of these adventures.  Furthermore, they were bringing us their homemade Limoncello.  They have already impressed me.

Limoncello?  Ding Ding...that bell should have gone off in my head to inspire me to make an "Italian" Paella.  But my appetite to impress was stronger than my common sense, and it clouded my mind with illogical notions.  So Asian Paella it was.

After a day of sailing for the All of Us, we come back to the house and I break out the ginger, the bokchoy, the bean sprouts, marinated scallops, spiced up chicken, a little coconut milk, peppers, snow peas, along with the usual Paella fixin's, topped with a bunch of cilantro.  Later...

The fire is too hot.  The Paella, too wet.  And all my efforts to impress, again, are wasted on a FAIL.  One half of The Bobsy Chefs tells me it is the water in the bok choy and the bean sprouts that contributes to the wetness.  She's probably right.  It does look pretty, though, doesn't it?

On the other hand, the limoncello is a smash-hit. It is tasty, strong and before too long erases all remembrances of what we just ate...or didn't eat...minutes before.  So the guests win the impress-off.  That's okay. After all, they're guests.

Now it's August.  I'm baffled.  And I've been giving this Perfect Paella Pursuit much thought.  Need I bother to continue? Have I discovered  Perfect Paella in my early pursuits?  Do they fail because of me, the chef?  Or may I blame it on my 5-buck paella pan?

What's next?

Replace the pan? Replace the chef? Or do I just leave it to the Spaniards?!

Ciao for now!
k